Rod. Todd. This is God.
Remember that line from The Simpsons? Well I had a moment like that yesterday at church. Let me very briefly give you some background. Some of you already know this but I’m questioning whether I am going to stay at my church or go on the hunt for a new one. As a result I haven’t attended my church regularly. And since I haven’t attended regularly, I’ve missed some events, announcements, and so on that I wish I hadn’t have. Because of that, and some other things that happened recently, I felt I should get my behind up there.
I typically go to the 7:45 service, but I hung out so late Saturday that I overslept Sunday. So I was forced to attend, as my mother would call it, “the drunkards mass”, at 10:45. I can’t stand this service because the congregation is a lot different, louder, ruder, more inappropriately dressed – like they headed right over from Shakers or something. And I know this should not be my focus but I’m human and sometimes you can’t help but notice – like the lady on the Lane Bryant Plan who wore the totally see through yellow blouse with matching yellow bra on Easter – no cami or undershirt or tank or nothing – just bra. I know what you’re thinking, at least it matched.
Anyway, I pull into the parking lot and see all the heathens going in. Annoyed as hell (pun intended) I turned my car off and said out loud, “I do not want to go in there.” My next thought was I wonder how long I have to wait before I can turn the car on and speed out of the parking lot without hitting anyone. Then suddenly P. Ann Everson Price (radio personality on MOJO 100.3 who I typically listen to Sunday Morning and am listening to at this point) says, “Get out of the car and go into the building.”
The service was nice.
Going backwards on my weekend, Saturday after dance class (shout out to Robert White) and Findlay Market I went to the hair salon. I go to Personalities by Leona in Clifton, which is on Ludlow across from Semesters and IGA. Ms. Leona was almost done with my hair when across the street we saw what appeared to be a Wildebeest. A wildebeest is a woman with a real bad hair weave wearing a too short, too tight, yeast-infection-causing jumper that she is too old and too swollen to be wearing. I bet you thought a wildebeest was something else didn’t you?
She got out of the car and turned her back to us, drawing a loud collective gasp from everyone in the salon. It was like watching a train wreck happen – you know you should look away, maybe even yell at the car to get the hell off the tracks, but the entertainment value is too high and you just can’t. And what was even crazier was it wasn’t like someone inside said “look at that!” You couldn’t help but look at it. She went into one of the shops across the street and then IGA. And she was too cheap to put money in the meter; she left her hazards flashing the whole time, although she could have been too preoccupied pulling her jumper out of her a$$ to notice she left the flashers on I guess. Anyway, while she was gallivanting up and down Ludlow, a voice in my head, possibly the devil, most likely NOT Jesus, said “Leslie, take a picture of her.” Remember it’s Saturday and church from the previous week (had I gone) would have worn off by now so I did it. The pics are below but they don’t do it justice. You just had to be there . . .
Tonight I’m going to my first Reds game of the year (which is why my rant is early today). I unabashedly admit I am NOT a Reds fan the way I am a Bengals fan. Meaning, I have been putting up with Mike Brown and his bullshiggety for years and I’ve still always been a die-hard Bengals fan. Where the Reds are concerned, I am fair-weather all the way baby! But at least I can admit it. I mean up until this year, the only thing a Reds game (or any baseball game for that matter) has been good for is a nap. Baseball games are good to sleep by. Anyway, I said if the Reds were in contention at the All Star Break I would start attending. Combine that with it’s Cincinnati State Day at the ballpark, and me and six of my closest friends are headed to the game. If you happen to be there, don’t sit in our section. I’m just saying I wouldn’t advise it.
By the way, just in case any of you big headed bamas were thinking of robbing our home while we’re gone, the house won’t be empty so bring it. If you don’t know why I’m saying that, then Google “Woman robbed by Facebook friend”. I promise you I will kick sparks off the musty a$$ of anyone who tries it.
Go Reds! Eff the Cardinals. Eff Brett LaFav-re too. Y’all ain’t see that coming?
Love,
Leslie
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