“I’m madder than a dog in a hubcap factory.” ~ Eddie Murphy, Distinguished Gentlemen 1992
I can’t tell you who. Or what. Or where. Or why. I can however tell you when.
Today.
Today, someone made me so mad that I actually had a dizzy spell.
And this someone didn’t just piss only me off. Have you ever been standing in a crowd and someone says something so stupid it nearly causes a riot? It would be like, I don’t know, Rush Limbaugh walking into a NAACP meeting and saying “Eff all black people.”
That might piss you off a skosh.
So this someone says something incredibly stupid, incredibly condescending, incredibly unproductive, in fact this person is themselves incredibly unliked so you should expect it of them. And when it happened I literally felt my blood pressure skyrocket. At least that would explain the dizzy spell. I shivered. I closed my eyes and heard maniacal laughter. For a minute I thought it was coming from me. I opened my eyes again and realized it was coming from someone else – who was equally as pissed.
You know that crazy, “I’m gonna kill you laugh”? Yeah, that one. That’s what I heard. I’d previously only heard it in movies. I think it kind of scared the offender too.
But I opened my eyes and realized the person wasn’t dead yet. So I just stared at them. Hard. But they wouldn’t look at me. And eventually this person walked out of the room I was in.
And when they did I jumped up. And I yelled, “I can’t stand that stupid mutha*#@$*r!” And I started pacing back and forth. I screamed a bunch of other things too. There aren’t enough special characters on my keyboard to cover it. But it was funny.
I have a message for this person. I think you are the most bat faced, cotton mouthed, snaggle toothed, cross eyed, two faced, a$$ kissing, pea brained, three toed, demented maggot loving, toe sucking, crap eating, teletubby fondling, dandruff licking, anatomically incorrect, rat bastard I have ever met. Eff you. Eff your whole creation. One day it’s gonna be me and you. I can’t wait. Spork Time.
I’m good now.
And no it’s not Bret Favre. But close.
My friend Katy had the nerve today to request something go in the rant. I don’t know who in the ham sandwich she thinks she is. But ok Katy. I was going to leave this one alone. But did y’all hear that Cincinnati made national news this week? Umm hmm.
It happened when an Elmwood Place police officer stopped a car because the tint was too dark. Inside he found Colandra Hamilton who lives downtown. Ms. Hamilton was driving while masturbating with a sex toy, a charge also known as “driving with inappropriate alertness.” Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Are you serious? And have you seen this lady? The sex toy had to have been a crack pipe. Happy, Katy?
This one is for Katy too. An avid Cincinnati Red's fan. I’m not thrilled with Brandon Phillips right now. Out of the Reds lineup because he hurt his little wrist. Ain’t that about a bitch? You know what Brandon? All that money you make, and alllll that shiggety you been talking lately, and alllllllllllllllll that lack of backing that shiggety up, you better shake it off and get to hittin’ something. Punk.
Score two for the men. This week two of your counterparts released songs about how effed up we woman are. The first one is called “F--- You” by Cee-lo. For any man who was ever wronged by some gold-digging heifa to you I simply say, sing that song you bitch. You finally have an anthem. The second song is by Eric Benet – who for the most part I can’t stand. I heard this on the radio yesterday; it’s called “Sometimes I Cry.” I better not catch any of y’all singing this one. Chump. Halle Berry is somewhere laughing hysterically. And I’m not a big fan of hers either.
Kelly saw my post yesterday about my bracelet and she called me to sort of take credit for finding it. Someone found it where I thought I lost it on Monday. Then they took it all the way to her office in a different building on a different floor (dumba$$) even though lost and found was right down the hall from where I lost it. Then they gave it to someone else in her office who gave it to Kelly. Then Kelly said she’d give it to Campus Police but she didn’t right away (Heifa). Then she saw almost the exact same bracelet on a friend of mine who is like a big sister to me (and is also African American) and racist that Kelly is, she assumed it was some type of club where black women in the college are running around with pink bracelets. She gave mine to security anyway, I had reported it lost, and the nice police lady called me and told me to come get it. Kelly’s a chump bag.
Seriously y’all, Kelly isn’t racist. Most of her friends are black.
No really, most of her friends are not black.
Ok, for real this time, most of her friends are NOT black and even though that’s the case she is NOT a racist. She does however need Jesus. Or somebody. Love you Kelly.
I’m going to pay for that one somehow.
Have a great weekend y’all.
Love,
Leslie
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