You are my rant . . . . .
A big fat "what's wrong with you" to a co-worker who stopped by my office today to lobby to get herself into my rant tonight. She stood in my office and asked me to look down at her feet. I did. She had on purple flip flops. I thought, I'm gonna get her, she's got on purple flip flops with her work clothes and the temperature has just dropped 78 degrees outside. It almost feels like Antartica. Then she says: "I lost my sock in Yoga today." And within the next five minutes, I promise you this is what went through my head:
Have you ever been driving down the street or walking down the street minding your own G-Dang business when you notice one lonely shoe, or one lonely sock in the middle of the street? On the playground? On the sidewalk? On the bus?. In the hallway? And you wonder, how in the ham sammich does that happen? Well today my co-worker went to yoga with two socks, but left with one. HOW THE EFF DOES THAT HAPPEN?
I mean, yoga is not a contact sport, unless you count touching your hands to your ankles while laying on your stomach. Actually for me it's a contact sport, I'd be contacting Jesus while my ribcage is snapping in half but I digress. I'm just saying you're not getting hit so hard that your shoe flies off or something. And even then, unless James Harrison hit you, you'd keep your sock. James Harrison would take your effin sock. That's what kind a scalawag he is. But this ain't about him.
It's a pretty quiet scene - yoga that is. They usually turn down the lights and play soft music and call out these positions they want you to perform like you're made of play-doh or something.I know that statement was too personal for some of y'all so let's move on.
I haven't been to yoga in a while, but I'm assuming they still want you to take your shoes off. I'm not sure why anyone would do this on a college campus or in a public place like work, though the last time the cicadas were here I was working at Washington Mutual and a co-worker would often take her shoes off and walk outside in her bare feet getting cicada guts all over them.
Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little.
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Thanks for waiting. Y'all so nice.
Anyway, I'm just saying that I probably wouldn't take my shoes off behind all those people. But if I did, I definitely wouldn't take my socks off. And I'm not saying anything bad about anybody but I'm sure you must be able to catch Herpes Simplex 12 off that floor. Does herpes eat through sock? Does anyone know? Anyway, I'm not sure why you take your shoes AND socks off. Don't get that.
What is the exact moment you realize you are missing a sock? Are you wearing both your shoes walking down the hall and then suddenly, "Hey. Something ain't right." Is it 20 minutes later after you feel a blister forming? And what do you do? Do you retrace your steps to find the sock? Do you accuse someone of taking it? You know, "It was Ms. Peabody, in the kitchen, with the spork?"
How do you enlist help to find your sock? At work our security is also our lost and found. Do you go to them and ask them if they found your sock? If someone turned it in? How do you describe it? "It only has four toe marks in it because I lost my pinky toe in the 1986 Cafeteria Toe Incident?" Would you turn someone's sock in? Would you touch it? I'm not sure I would. Because I'm guessing if you took that sock off that means your foot touched the floor, and we've already established that means you might have herpes. I don't care what you say I bet you CAN get it that way.
Anyway, back to my co-worker. What 30-something loses their sock in gym class? I feel like I'm standing before my mother and she's saying "What 12 year-old loses their sock in gym class?" Really?
Why do you have purple flip flops at the ready at your desk? Why purple? Why not black if you insist on having them? I don't understand. I have purple pens at my desk. In fact, I'm known in my office for writing in purple. I even have other people doing it too now. But purple flip flops? I effin' draw the line at purple flip flops.
I'm almost finished. Are purple flip flops warm when it's cold outside? I'm just wondering because it pretty all of a sudden got kind of cold out there today after the tsunami whipped through. Did the hairs on your toes stand up? I bet women keep hairs on their toes during the winter for warmth. You know you lose warmth through your feet.
Finally, why come and tell someone what happened? And of all people why tell me? I think most sane people don't want me to find out things about them but I don't know why . . .
Dearest co-worker, you wanted to be in my rant today. Child, you ARE my rant today. And I thank ya.
Love,
Leslie
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