It's December 23rd, time to celebrate Festivus (for the rest of us), and I have a list of grievances I need to air. For example . . .
1. There's a guy down the street on Plainfield who has the front of his house lit up complete with a big (read HUGE) XU on the front. The X in XU is green instead of blue. Come on dude - you couldn't find blue lights?
2. On the news this afternoon the soldiers were wishing their families a Merry Christmas. One was a lady stationed in Africa whose family lives in Mason. At the end of her 2 seconds of fame she said, "Go Steelers!" Now look here biyotch. I don't think I would be screaming "Go Bengals" either, my new team has officially become the Eagles by the way. But the Steelers? Really? I hope you get sent to Af-effin-ganistan you voodoo witch. That's why they shouldn't let women serve in the military.
3. Dear Ohio State: Although your President wants us to believe that your entire campus walks on water, we know you don't and now we have some confirmation. Tatooes for autographs? Y'all so stoopid.
4. When talking about the snow that is coming on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and the possible totals, John Gumm, meteorologist for Channel 12, says that we are 2.8 inches away from having a record snowfall for December, so we might as well go ahead and get it. Eff you Gumm (my ex-favorite meteorologist), eff white Christmases and eff the entire month of December.
5. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you don't have to clean off the top of your cars tomorrow and Saturday. So you may get presents in your stockings because Santa didn't have time to revise his list, but I personally will be throwing coal at anyone I see who didn't clean off their car while I'm driving to my destination Saturday. Actually, I don't have any coal, so it will be more like charcoal briquettes. Kingsford. The good stuff.
6. The other night at our Festivus dinner, most of the table (10 of us) had Porterhouse steaks. They were 21 ounces. It took me three days to eat mine, but one of my friends ate all of his in one sitting. During which he told me it was going to take 3 bowls of Raisin Brand to get it out of his system. Nice. I needed to hear that.
7. My mentor and big sister, Becky, informed me yesterday that I tend to inspire and/or cause trouble when I'm with two or more people. That those who normally would be cool and laid back tend to become trouble makers just because I'm in their presence. I say that's crap. What am I, the Pied Piper of Mayhem? Eff all yáll who agree with that.
8. I just tried Pepsi Max for the first time (no calories). It's the equivalent of Coke Zero. It's way better than Coke Zero. No diety aftertaste which I think Coke Zero has. By the way, Pepsi Max is great with chocolate chip cookies. That's an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill for Leslie. By the way, Coke sucks. Pepsi Max is also great with Makers by the way.
9. It should be against the law, against the G-Damn law I say, for people to be able to shop in pajama pants. Just because you wear UGGs with them doesn't make it fashionable. Especially when they're not really UGGs, but WUGGs or something. By the way, for being the spokesperson for UGGs, Tom Brady, you've proven to me what I already knew about you: you have a uterus, fallopian tubes, and every 28 days you're a real wench.
10. Make sure you celebrate Festivus this year. Get your poles, make your donation to the Human Fund, air your grievances and perform your feats of strength. If you don't know what Festivus is, I got a big problem with you. You should be sporked. Go look it up and keep Festivus in your hearts 365 days a year - just like they want you to do with Christmas. For in life, there must always be a balance.
Happy Festivus With Love,
Leslie
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