I'm getting this list to Santa in the mail tomorrow. Dear Santa, can you help a sistah out and give me the following?
1. A Hippopotamus. Just like the song says. But I don't think that little girl singing this Christmas Carol was for real. I ain't playin'. I really want one. So give it to me.
2. Sal Alosi to also trip the following people: The entire city of Pittsburgh, Lorenzo Favre, all Bengals, past, present and future including all staff, James Harrison, the entire OSU campus, Albert Haynesworth, Donovan McNabb (what a waste), the Jets, and anyone who thinks the Stealers are going to the Superbowl (I still say it won't happen - and I was saying that before Pantene got hurt). After he trips these folks, you can go ahead and fire his dumb behind for real. A suspension ain't satisfactioning me.
3. Little Kim . . . to go far far away . . . and stay there.
4. I'd love it if Mo Egger (ESPN radio) and/or Petros & Money (FOX Sports radio) would broadcast their shows from my living room. I have some shiggety I want to say on national radio. For example, the writing's on the wall Brett Favre. Go home and eff yourself (after you put down the cell phone please).
5. MC Kris Kringle, please cancel Glee. And send all self-proclaimed "Gleeks" to purgatory.
6. Please Mr. Redpants give me a good old-fashioned tar and feathering of Mike Tomlin (head dumba$$, I mean coach for the Stealers) who suggested that we should be concerned for the livelihood of James Harrison's kids because he keeps getting hit (pun intended) with fines for his dirty hits on anyone standing within a 5 centimeter radius. According to my calculations, he's approaching $100K this season in penalties. Would you be surprised if he crosses that milestone this year? Santa, I want you to ask Mike some questions for me. Start with, how long has he and Harrison been lovers? Because only a disillusioned wife would say some dumb a$$ sh!t like that. As much money as that clown makes, his kids will be fine. Let's just pray they're not as dumb as neither Tomlin nor Harrison. Tomlin, if you're so worried, why don't you put their a$$es through school? I'll hold your uterus while you write the check.
7. Santa Baby, thank you for allowing the Jets to hold on to their lead against the Stealers and win Sunday. Please continue to bring the New York Jets an offense. I know, I know . . . who is a recovering Bengals fan to talk right? Ok, I'll just go right on ahead and be the kettle as opposed to the pot. I can do that. I ain't proud. Kettles are cute and round. And I DEFINITELY have the round part down. Say it with me . . . I digress. Anyway, at least the Jets still have a shot at making the play-offs. No matter how slim that shot may be now.
8. I have narrowed down my list of cars I want. Sort of. I would like one of the following (in no particular order): A Hyundai Sonata, Volkswagen Jetta, Volkswagen New Beetle, Nissan Altima, Mazda 3, or Dodge Caliber. It should be used - from this decade, preferably the last few years. Any of these cars is the car for me. And by the way, it has to be a five speed. Everyone knows real women know how to drive a stick. I love a good pun. Especially when it's intended.
9. I'd like some manners for my baby cat, Mimo. She's only one year-old Santa. And she doesn't understand that I don't want to be awakened every morning with her a$$ in my face. The smell isn't satisfactioning me. Or that I don't want to look up while eating and see her cleaning her a$$. She's obsessed with her a$$. That ain't right.
10. Some lasik surgery for Carson Palmer. Here's why. Carson is tied with two other quarterbacks for the most interceptions this year (the others are Eli Manning and Drew Brees) but this stat he owns all by himself: he has the most pick-6's of any quarterback in the NFL. But he insists he is throwing to the players wearing orange and black. I know, maybe he's color-blind. Just fix him Santa. Because I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to be in orange and black again next year.
11. Can the Bengals please have a new offensive coordinator next year? Huh? I'm not selfish. I'm asking for things for other people Santa. While you're at it, bring them a new front office, a new head coach and a new quarterback. I read this week that Carson probably would not take a pay-cut to bring his musty a$$ back here. So I say you offer him a dollar to come back - and he leaves for good. What do you say?
12. Santa would you pretty please superglue the Dallas Cowboy's (and their fans) lips shut about DeSean Jackson falling backwards into the endzone last week? First of all, y'all let him get there in the first place. Secondly, you may have beat him "three times in a row" last year (says Cowboy Mike Jenkins), but you didn't beat his a$$ that night did you? Thirdly, if it had been me, and Mr. Jackson fell backwards into the endzone in front of me, I would have stomped him in the gonads with my cleats. We can all get 15-yarders, I ain't scared, but that's just me. Punks.
13. Saint Nick - I'd like the next weather dude to say something wrong to be tased with a spork-shooting taser. Don't tell me the snow is coming at 7 if it's coming at 5 so that I'm on the treadmill at the gym looking outside going WTF I THOUGHT I HAD TWO HOURS TO GET HOME!!!!
14. Dearest Saint Nickity - How do you feel about leggings? They are kind of growing on me I must admit. When folks wear them right. However, I still don't want to see anyone's a$$. I still think that's nasty. I also have some other issues with leggings. Like wearing them to work, wearing the sheer kind like they're pants and/or wearing any kind like they're pants. And I think Jesus is busy. So would you please for me have your elves put together a "How To Wear Legggings" book and distribute it in everyone's stocking this year? Sign it "Jesus and Santa are watching". Maybe folks will listen to you. They're not listening to me.
15. For Christmas, dearest DJ Nicky Nick, I want an explanation. I want to know why it took the coaching staff of the Bengals eleven weeks to go back to running the ball like they did ALL EFFIN LAST SEASON? Was it the T.O. injury? And I need Cedric Benson to man up - crying after Sunday's win? Let us put this in perspective dude. You beat Cleveland. Man up.
16. I'd like you to fire Mike Shanahan. And fire his son. And taze Donovan McNabb a little bit. Because if the Shanahan's think that McNabb is to blame for all their woes in Washington, then they're crazier than I thought. The Redskins have sucked for while now - long before McNabb ever graced them with his presence. Note to McNabb - wait until the end of the season before you declare the Eagles made a mistake. Because it's sure the hell not looking like much of a mistake anymore is it? By the way Santa, did you have anything to do with the price of the McNabb jersey getting cut drastically on the Redskins' online store? They actually apologized and blamed it on a third party vendor. I'd say McNabb is on his way out the door?
17. Brother Red Pants - we are starting to hear rumblings that Bill Cowher wants Tom Coughlin's job. It's his number one choice in order for him to go back to coaching. Reason #117 as to why I can't stand him. Put it out there that you want someone's job who ISN'T failing . . . classless. Here's what I need from you. Put brother Coward in your little bag and drop his monkey a$$ off in Siberia. Because I'm tired of looking at him. AND listening to him. AND listening to info he's spreading through his camp. AND listening to what other people, including myself, are saying about him.
18. Something is wrong with the NFL when the Rams and Seahawks are tied for first place in their division with a 6-8 record. The best either of these teams could do is 8-8. They could win their division and go to the playoffs on an 8-8 record, while a team like the Baltimore Ravens is a wild card with possibly a 12-4 record. Even the 49ners could win at this point: their record is 5-9. Here's what I need you to do Red Fur Britches: I know they don't play in the same conference - that's not the issha. I need you to eliminate the NFC West division. They shouldn't be allowed in the playoffs at all. Because if some fluke happens and one of those bastards happens to go all the way and win the Superbowl ???????? I'm just saying there won't be enough electric voltage to bring me back. Now here's the messed up part - in that division, the Bengals would still be in last place. I know right?
19. "All I want for Christmas is Chad's two front teeth . . ." You know the song Santa. Bring them to me.
20. This isn't as much a wish but a heads up to YOU, Santa Bear Claws. I'm leaving you a salad this year instead of cookies. Your body fat index is way too high and you're at risk for diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, herpes simplex 12 and I'm gonna go ahead and guess breast cancer too you man boob having fat a$$. I realize that's probably no way to talk to Santa, but I figure you weren't going to give me anything I wanted anyway. So eff you.
Season's Beatings (i.e. Love),
Leslie
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