Please head to your basements until the "All Clear" has been given . . .
Yesterday me and a co-worker, myself and a co-worker, my co-worker and myself, my co-worker and I, were standing in the hall minding our own g-dang business when a lady walked by wearing super duper tight jeans. I think they were "jeggins" (jeans + leggins). Anyway, you could see everything moving. EVERYTHING. I had never seen anything like it. It was nasty. Even more disturbing, they were acid wash.
Anyway, suddenly we turned into a female version of Statler and Waldorf (the two judges) on the Muppets. And . . .
I said, "Did you see that?"
And she said, "Oh my God."
And I said, "She's gonna catch a yeast infection."
And she said, "Why do you say that?"
And I said, "Because there couldn't be any air getting up there."
Co-worker then lifts one leg, starts fanning the breadbox and says, "Maybe she does this from time to time."
After I stopped laughing, I said, "That was like a hurricane, everything was getting tossed everywatchaway."
And she said, "Honey that's more like a tornado . . . looking for a trailer park."
Then we both lost it. I gotta use that tornado line again sometime. Feel free to borrow it.
I know I said I should stay out of Deer Park BUT I was in Deer Park Walgreen's, again minding my own G-Dang business, when the effin' Seahag leaned over my shoulder while I was at the checkout. I promise you that's who she was. My first thought was "she's finally come for me." My first instinct was to swing without looking. Not following my first thought or instinct, I moved a little to the right and got a good look.
Hairy skin. Hair pulled back off face. Long chin. Sunken eyes. Yup. Seahag.
She was trying to get as close as she possibly could to the cigarettes behind the counter even if, or especially if that meant taking me out in the process. I know. How rude right? And she freakin' stunk. She smelled like a freight train.
People who smoke like freight trains frequent this Walgreen's a lot. Especially the Deer Park High students who stand in front of and on the side of Walgreen's holding the building up by leaning on it smoking cigarettes there, instead of in front of the school. Because of course they can't smoke at school. And noooooo one at the school would possibly know what they're doing.
Anyway, it's ironical that it all happened. Because I was telling my co-workers how that's my favorite Walgreen's in the world. And it still is. The entertainment is great. And the cashier apologized to me on the Seahag's behalf anyway. So it's all good.
Alfonso Ribeiro is hosting "Catch 24", a tv game show on the Game Show Network. Seriously Carlton?
This coming Monday night's football game just got a whole lot interesting. Randy Moss kept looking at Bill Belidick cross-eyed, so he got shipped back to the Minnesota Vikings from the New England Patriots this week. The Vikings play the Jets Monday. They've already played the Patriots once this year, so that means they get to face Moss twice in four weeks. On top of that, supposedly LaFavre and Brad Childress (the head coach of the Vikings) are not getting along. Aaaaaand the NFL is investigating LaFavre for all the alleged unwanted sexual advances and pictures of his wiener he sent the way of female reporters and masseurs with the New York Jets organization while he was their QB. No wonder he bombed. Sniffy sniffy. I smell a disaster afoot. Awesome!
That raggedy son of a biscuit eating bulldog (T. J. Ward) who knocked Jordan Shipley out of last Sunday's game will have to come off $15,000 for the hit. Someone in the office suggested the hit probably had a lot to do with the last name = Ward. I think I'm agreeing with that. Chump. See you 12/19.
I must admit, even though a house is the last thing on the planet I want, I am absolutely addicted to HGTV shows like House Hunters and Property Virgins. But I think all the house hunters say the same thing, "I was looking for granite tops"; "There's not enough counter space"; "This would be my man-cave"; "HONEY!!!! THIS COULD BE THE BABY'S ROOM!!!!"; "There's only one bathroom"; "The wallpaper is awful"; "We'd have to do a lot of work in here." Don't you get tired of hearing the same thing? If it was me I'd say things like, "This backyard is just enough room for my spaceship" or "I need enough room in the garage for my meth lab" or "This would be a great changing room for the stripper." I'm just sayin' get creative that's all.
Yesterday I heard Tiger Wood's sex tape is coming out and YOU can pre-order it for the low low price of . . . well I don't know how much. I just heard you could pre-order it. Anyone gonna run right out and get it?
I have good and bad news. The good news: we are getting a Marshall's Department store again. The bad news: it will be in Norwood. Not Rookwood either. I'm talking Surrey Square Norwood. Joy.
Didn't Nick Cannon get on your effin' nerves in Drumline?
Congratulations Kentucky! You're number 50! You're number 50! You're number 50! Worst run state in the union. Now it's official (see the KY Post). Awesome! Have I mentioned I hate Kentucky? It's like Norwood times 1000 for me. I'm hateful. I know. Whatev.
Love,
Leslie
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