Special Edition Rant (3-11-11): How Ficke Park Caused My Demise

Located at one end of Silverton, boardering Sycamore Township, is 12 acres of so-called nature-ly goodness, Ficke Park. You can see it from Stewart and Montgomery Roads. I can see it from my bedroom window (no that was not an invitation). It's got basketball, tennis, a track for running, jogging, walking or jalking-wogging,regulation size soccer field, baseball diamonds and a batting cage. It has shelters for family picnics. It's even pet friendly, supplying bags for your doggie oopsies. It's a great treasure to Silverton Residents, except this one, for Ficke Park is the reason for my demise. How? I'm so glad you asked. Allow me to explain.

I wasn't playing tennis or walking, jogging, running, jalking or wogging in the park. I wasn't playing baseball, soccer or basketball. I wasn't barbequing or walking any of the dogs in the house. I wasn't doing any of that mess. I was simply minding my own g-dang business when Ficke Park brought me down.

You see, there's a school in Silverton. It's called Silverton . . . Elementary that is. Right now it's located over on Stewart Road. But it's coming to a bedroom window near me in the future.

That's right. Silverton Elemetary is moving to Ficke Park. But it didn't happen without a fight from Silverton residents. You see the city of Silverton agreed to a land swap with Cincinnati Public Schools. CPS gets five acres of Ficke Park and Silverton gets the 5.7 acres that is currently the home of Silverton Elementary. This plan was widely opposed by residents when it was announced. "Save Silverton's Ficke Park" signs went up all over Silverton. Residents sued Silverton to stop the school - for the school would dang near go up in their back yards. Sycamore Township was insensed because they weren't consulted at all about the plan. This isn't what any of these home owners signed up for when they bought in this area - whether they own property in Silverton or Sycamore Township. Would property values drop? Not to mention I personally lived across the street from a school once - it can get very annoying.

Alas the Silverton residents were unsuccessful in their bid to stop the park. But it's been a done deal for more than a year now. It's happening. And yet much like those of you who still have signs up in your yards insisting that McCain and Palin can still win the 2008 election, many Silverton homes still have "Save Silverton's Ficke Park" signs in their yards.

Including the yard surrounding my bedroom window.

(Be patient kids - I'm almost done.)

Last year, as summer led into fall, and the winds grew stronger, the sign in the yard surrounding my bedroom window often blew down. It even disappeared once, but in solidarity, a neighbor (one of those who sued the city mind you - she's a die-hard beast), provided another sign for the yard surrounding my bedroom window. Then winter came. And with it tons of ice and snow which weighed the sign down. So we moved it for the winter - to the back porch - fully intending to resurrect that dang sign at the first sign of those cute white flowers in the trees that let you know it's spring again.

The sign wasn't even safe on the porch. As winter started to wain, the winds and rains came (anybody catch the flood waters around here lately?) and the sign kept falling down. We, again in solidarity, kept picking the sign up knowing that spring was just around the corner and we'd be able to stick that sign in the ground again soon right next to the tomatoes.

Ummmmmm. Homegrown tomatoes. Digressing. Okay I'm back.

Anyway, as you know, just when we thought there might not be any more snow, we all left home yesterday morning to sprinkles and returned home to a snow storm that caught everyone, including the meterologist freaks out there, off guard. The sign had begun it's descent again in protest of the elements. But annoyed at it all, this time I didn't pick the sign up. Besides, it wasn't laying completely on the ground yet. In fact, no one in the house picked the sign up. Not even the animals. And as much as we do for them, one of them could have at least tried.

This morning I got up and went outside, saw that my car was covered with snow, again, and immediately went into a profanity laced tirade. I won't repeat it here.  I walked down the steps, into the driveway, started my car, and went back inside. 

I finished getting ready for work. Grabbed my purse and bookbag and walked to the kitchen door. I placed a foot outside the door - I'm still not sure which one - and went down. I slid onto the porch like Brandon Phillips sliding into second. Except I'm not as good at it. Is your foot supposed to turn backwards like that?

More profanity. But I'm alive.

And then I realize I'm sitting on it. No folks, not my big fluffy but-tocks. You guessed it, the "Save Silverton's Ficke Park" sign. Which during the night must have completed it's descent . . . and in turn brought me down hard and fast. 

I pulled my big old leg out from under me - and my ankle had already swollen to the size of my sissy Marquitashua's head (which is exactly what I told her when I called her to come and get me from the hospital later - ask her). I couldn't move - so I called my big sissy roomate Maria from my cell phone. I had to call her twice - can you believe that? So she came downstairs and helped me up and I hobbled into the house.

Ankle is growing and will soon be the size of my butt - which is bigger than Marquitashua's head - just a little bigger.

We went to Jewish Hospital and were in and out in a few hours. I technically had three visitors - Maria, Carla and Marquitashua. That's a ton of visitors for a sprained ashy ankle. 

Got accosted by a Cincinnati State student who begged me to let his professor know he was in the ER with me and that's why he didn't get his paper in on time (never sprain your ankle while wearing your employer's logo wear - lesson learned). After seeing my PCA's cool a$$ watch, me and Marquitashua went to the gift shop to get one of our own. 

While there I talked to my big brother Keith who is in Iraq; he advised me not to attempt to strip for the squirrels in the park after a snow storm so early anymore. Nice advice don't you think?

Anyway, according to Dr. Lyons, Czar of the ER (that rhymes kids), it's not a break. Just a sprain. I'm allowed to resume regular life after today within reason. I'm allowed to put weight on it but not for a long period of time. I also have two shiney new crutches, which I supposed could serve as stripper poles if necessary. I was dancing on them in the gift shop - the Bee Gees kind of do that to me, I can't help it. And I now have to figure out what excercises I can do without putting weight on the ankle for a while. Clean excercises folks. Clean ones.

As for Ficke Park. Eff Ficke Park. They can build the second coming of Americana back there for all I care at this point. Groundbreaking for the school is this May 4th. People, take the dang signs down. It's over.

Okay - maybe I'm just over it.

Thanks for reading.

Love,

Leslie

My Rant for the Day (01/14/11)

This week in trash talking: Eff you and your whole creation . . .

Okay, maybe that's not exactly what he said. Whose he? He be Antonio Cromartie who plays cornerback for the New York Jets.  And what he really said was that Tom Brady is an a$$hole. Then he said f*** him. To which Brady responded that Belidick has also referred to him as an a$$hole and Belidick likes him . . . so maybe Cromartie likes him too. Cute, Thomasina. About as cute as those UGGs you're the spokesmodel for. What are the Jets honked off about this time? Among other things, the way that Brady points at the sideline of the team he scores against. I can't stand Brady, but big deal. And if Rex Ryan doesn't shut the hell up talking crap about Brady and Belidick I'm gonna scream. Somebody should just stick a toe in his mouth. If you didn't get that one you should probably look it up - that's Rex Ryan, wifey and  toe fetish (or something like that).

Some more notes about this:  If I'm not mistaken, the last time these teams met it resulted in a lopsided 45-3 loss for the Jets. Brady puts a smackdown on you much like Liberace use to do to his piano keys. (Yeah I compared him to Liberace. You figure it out. It just came to me.). Rex Ryan loves feets. That's right, feets. Antonio Cromartie sucks (but not necessarily feet) so he should hush. Even baseball great Reggie Sanders, who did much trash talking in his day, stepped in and suggested the Jets should all just shut the hell up. But in this battle of witless words the winner is Wes Welker of the New England Patriots (Leslie loves alliteration), who during a press conference made reference to feet a million times without specifically calling anyone out. This is from Profootballtalk.com:

1.  On this week of preparation: “Everybody’s putting their best foot forward.”

2. On young players in the playoffs:  “You can’t just stick your toe in the water.  You gotta jump right in.”

3. On playing this year as opposed to last year: “It’s definitely different.  You know, you’ve got your foot up in the air trying to get the swelling to go down.  Definitely excited about the opportunity to get out there and have some fun.”

4. On the opportunity this week:  “These are the games you play for.  What you spend all year getting ready for and you just want to put your best foot forward.”

5. On Revis:  “He’s got great feet.”

6. On Revis again: “He’s very patient, has good feet.”

7. On Deion Branch: “He runs some really good routes out there . . . He’s another guy with great feet and can really move around.”

8. On practice: “You want to make sure you’re putting your best foot forward out there and making it happen.”

9. More on practice: “Us going out there and being good little foot soliders and making sure we’re going out there and doing everything coach asks us to do.”

10.  On seeing new things in the playoffs: “You definitely have to be on your toes and make sure you’re ready to go.”

If you haven't heard this you have to go find it and listen. I almost wrecked my car today when I heard it. Game . . . set . . . match Mr. Welker. I imagine this weekend's game against the Jets will be very similar. 

Elsewhere in the trash talking division we have the Ravens v. the Stealers. I think the Ravens may be the one team who hates Pittsburgh more than the Bengals do. Example, meet Terrell Suggs, linebacker for the Ravens, who went on camera wearing a t-shirt that said "Hey Steelers" at the top, had a Raven in the background, and a huge middle finger in the middle of the Raven. I can't say I'm a fan of either team, but if I had to pick it would be the Ravens.  And I know they can beat Pittsburgh this weekend . . . but let's see if they do it.

Dear Chicago: Please end this nightmare and knock Seattle out of the playoffs. What the hell is a Seahawk anyway? Spellcheck doesn't even like it. But then again, spellcheck doesn't like spellcheck. Must be spell check. Digressing.

If you don't hate the Cowboys as much as I do, maybe this will help. Football fans know what the Rooney Rule is - it means if a team has a head coaching vacancy, the team must interview at least one minority candidate. If you were following the Cowboys this year, then you know their owner, Jerry Jones, asked if he could bypass the Rooney Rule because he already knew he wanted Jason Garrett to replace his fired head coach, Wade Phillips. The NFL said no. So here's what happened next. Either Jones or interim coach Garrett moseyed down the hall and interviewed Cowboys wide receiver's coach Ray Sherman (note - I'm heated he even allowed himself to be the token). Sherman of course doesn't get the job. They hired Garrett. But theeeeen, they turned around and fired Sherman. Seriously? Supreme token got tooken. But Karma's a biznatch.

My last stop in the NFL today . . . and how could I not visit . . . you guessed it . . . Favretopia. Don't you think that name is fitting? After all, it is ALWAYS about him. Anyway, less than two weeks into his third retirement and the madness doesn't end. First, a third person may be joining the lawsuit against him. This person is rumored to be the person who received the text message invite to come to his hotel room and bring her friend with her (she's already suing Favre). You know, I don't know what to say about these heifers. Why sue now when you didn't complain before? But if he did it, and he probably did it, he'll probably get away with it.  Anyway, secondly, Brett's sister, Brandy Favre got arrested the other day. She was busted in a Mississippi meth lab. Get your sister help Brett. You can afford it. And please stay in retirement. Please? For me?

Back to the real world, I realized something this week about my least favorite city in the world, Norwood, Ohio. Here's the thing: in the lov-e-ly city of Norwood, if you have an accident, and you don't live in Norwood, you have to pay the city any costs attributed to the accident, like overtime for the police officer who responded to your call (that's an extreme and possibly false example but you get my drift). Has anyone driven through Norwood after a snowstorm? They do a horrible job at cleaning their streets. So I think it's a c-o-n-spiracy. They don't clean their streets, you come through their city trying to get to work, have an accident and SHAZAM!!!! You just paid an Norwood City plow truck driver's Verizon bill for the month. I'm just saying, we should all stay out of Norwood. I can't pay two phone bills. Especially if the tow truck driver doesn't have unlimited text messaging. Then I have to pay for all those texts???? including the text to his Norwood friends that says "I just got a Silverton resident to pay my phone bill. Ask me how."  But again . . . I digress . . . again. I tend to do that.

I'm excited because I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be Mayhem. You know Mayhem, from the Allstate commercials? He is fantastic. I love him. I think I could out-mayhem Mayhem. Hell, I AM Mayhem. I'd be good at it. RECALCULATING!!!! (Look it up.)

People do dumb shiggety in the snow. Like one morning this week, three people were jogging together down by Xavier's campus on Victory Parkway. I was thinking to myself, that's dedication, because I would probably break my neck trying to run where the sidewalks hadn't been shoveled and are now caked with beat down snow that can be slick. But one of these yahoo's was actually jogging in the street, during rush hour, you had to drive around him in a different lane to avoid him. Which made me think to myself, would I get in trouble if I hit him? Riding your bike in the street, that's one thing. But jogging? You're just in the way. Then today I saw a young lady walking down the sidewalk on Central Parkway on the same type of beaten down snow . . . wearing 20-inch heels . . . talking on the cell phone. If I could have I would have pushed her myself. Maybe I should just stay off Parkways.

My favorite inappropriate comment this week came from D.L. Hughley who was on the Tom Joyner Morning Show this morning. Talking about Ted Williams, the homeless man with the radio voice, he insisted that Mr. Williams should take the money he is now earning from his new jobs and get his teeth fixed because "he looks like he got a mouth full of jumper cables don't he?" Wow. I love D.L. Hughley. And I pray that Mr. Williams finds his way . . . not to a dentist's office y'all, just that he finds his way in general. Y'all so mean.

Speakin' of y'all, did y'all hear Mayor (of Cincinnati) Mark Mallory is going to be one of the next Undercover Bosses? It's already been filmed and everything. Supposedly he was wearing a mustache and a dreadlock wig and city employees didn't recognize him. Cannot wait to see this - I'm not sure when it airs. Anyway, some folks are hailing it as a good way to put Cincinnati in a good light and make folks want to come here. And it could work. But when you get here and encounter the Bengals, the Banks, and all the other bungling busts (Leslie . . . alliteration) that make up Cincy, you'll just want to leave again . . .

Oh well, Bye Bye!

Love,

Leslie

Festivus Rant (12-23-10)

It's December 23rd, time to celebrate Festivus (for the rest of us), and I have a list of grievances I need to air. For example . . .

1. There's a guy down the street on Plainfield who has the front of his house lit up complete with a big (read HUGE) XU on the front. The X in XU is green instead of blue. Come on dude - you couldn't find blue lights?

2. On the news this afternoon the soldiers were wishing their families a Merry Christmas. One was a lady stationed in Africa whose family lives in Mason. At the end of her 2 seconds of fame she said, "Go Steelers!" Now look here biyotch. I don't think I would be screaming "Go Bengals" either, my new team has officially become the Eagles by the way. But the Steelers? Really? I hope you get sent to Af-effin-ganistan you voodoo witch. That's why they shouldn't let women serve in the military.

3. Dear Ohio State: Although your President wants us to believe that your entire campus walks on water, we know you don't and now we have some confirmation. Tatooes for autographs? Y'all so stoopid.

4. When talking about the snow that is coming on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and the possible totals, John Gumm, meteorologist for Channel 12, says that we are 2.8 inches away from having a record snowfall for December, so we might as well go ahead and get it. Eff you Gumm (my ex-favorite meteorologist), eff white Christmases and eff the entire month of December.

5. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you don't have to clean off the top of your cars tomorrow and Saturday. So you may get presents in your stockings because Santa didn't have time to revise his list, but I personally will be throwing coal at anyone I see who didn't clean off their car while I'm driving to my destination Saturday. Actually, I don't have any coal, so it will be more like charcoal briquettes. Kingsford. The good stuff.

6. The other night at our Festivus dinner, most of the table (10 of us) had Porterhouse steaks.  They were 21 ounces. It took me three days to eat mine, but one of my friends ate all of his in one sitting. During which he told me it was going to take 3 bowls of Raisin Brand to get it out of his system. Nice. I needed to hear that.

7. My mentor and big sister, Becky, informed me yesterday that I tend to inspire and/or cause trouble when I'm with two or more people. That those who normally would be cool and laid back tend to become trouble makers just because I'm in their presence. I say that's crap. What am I, the Pied Piper of Mayhem? Eff all yáll who agree with that.

8. I just tried Pepsi Max for the first time (no calories). It's the equivalent of Coke Zero. It's way better than Coke Zero. No diety aftertaste which I think Coke Zero has. By the way, Pepsi Max is great with chocolate chip cookies. That's an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill for Leslie. By the way, Coke sucks. Pepsi Max is also great with Makers by the way.

9. It should be against the law, against the G-Damn law I say, for people to be able to shop in pajama pants. Just because you wear UGGs with them doesn't make it fashionable. Especially when they're not really UGGs, but WUGGs or something. By the way, for being the spokesperson for UGGs, Tom Brady, you've proven to me what I already knew about you: you have a uterus, fallopian tubes, and every 28 days you're a real wench.

10. Make sure you celebrate Festivus this year. Get your poles, make your donation to the Human Fund, air your grievances and perform your feats of strength. If you don't know what Festivus is, I got a big problem with you. You should be sporked. Go look it up and keep Festivus in your hearts 365 days a year - just like they want you to do with Christmas. For in life, there must always be a balance.

Happy Festivus With Love,

Leslie

My Christmas Rant . . . I mean Rant . . . I mean Wishes (12-20-10)

I'm getting this list to Santa in the mail tomorrow. Dear Santa, can you help a sistah out and give me the following?

  

1. A Hippopotamus. Just like the song says. But I don't think that little girl singing this Christmas Carol was for real. I ain't playin'. I really want one. So give it to me.

2. Sal Alosi to also trip the following people: The entire city of Pittsburgh, Lorenzo Favre, all Bengals, past, present and future including all staff, James Harrison, the entire OSU campus, Albert Haynesworth, Donovan McNabb (what a waste), the Jets, and anyone who thinks the Stealers are going to the Superbowl (I still say it won't happen - and I was saying that before Pantene got hurt). After he trips these folks, you can go ahead and fire his dumb behind for real. A suspension ain't satisfactioning me.

3. Little Kim . . . to go far far away . . . and stay there.

4. I'd love it if Mo Egger (ESPN radio) and/or Petros & Money (FOX Sports radio) would broadcast their shows from my living room. I have some shiggety I want to say on national radio. For example, the writing's on the wall Brett Favre. Go home and eff yourself (after you put down the cell phone please).

5. MC Kris Kringle, please cancel Glee. And send all self-proclaimed "Gleeks" to purgatory.

6. Please Mr. Redpants give me a good old-fashioned tar and feathering of Mike Tomlin (head dumba$$, I mean coach for the Stealers) who suggested that we should be concerned for the livelihood of James Harrison's kids because he keeps getting hit (pun intended) with fines for his dirty hits on anyone standing within a 5 centimeter radius. According to my calculations, he's approaching $100K this season in penalties. Would you be surprised if he crosses that milestone this year? Santa, I want you to ask Mike some questions for me. Start with, how long has he and Harrison been lovers? Because only a disillusioned wife would say some dumb a$$ sh!t like that. As much money as that clown makes, his kids will be fine. Let's just pray they're not as dumb as neither Tomlin nor Harrison. Tomlin, if you're so worried, why don't you put their a$$es through school? I'll hold your uterus while you write the check.

7. Santa Baby, thank you for allowing the Jets to hold on to their lead against the Stealers and win Sunday. Please continue to bring the New York Jets an offense. I know, I know . . . who is a recovering Bengals fan to talk right? Ok, I'll just go right on ahead and be the kettle as opposed to the pot. I can do that. I ain't proud. Kettles are cute and round. And I DEFINITELY have the round part down. Say it with me . . . I digress.  Anyway, at least the Jets still have a shot at making the play-offs. No matter how slim that shot may be now.

8. I have narrowed down my list of cars I want. Sort of. I would like one of the following (in no particular order): A Hyundai Sonata, Volkswagen Jetta,  Volkswagen New Beetle, Nissan Altima, Mazda 3, or Dodge Caliber. It should be used - from this decade, preferably the last few years. Any of these cars is the car for me. And by the way, it has to be a five speed. Everyone knows real women know how to drive a stick. I love a good pun. Especially when it's intended.

9. I'd like some manners for my baby cat, Mimo. She's only one year-old Santa. And she doesn't understand that I don't want to be awakened every morning with her a$$ in my face. The smell isn't satisfactioning me. Or that I don't want to look up while eating and see her cleaning her a$$. She's obsessed with her a$$. That ain't right.

10. Some lasik surgery for Carson Palmer. Here's why. Carson is tied with two other quarterbacks for the most interceptions this year (the others are Eli Manning and Drew Brees) but this stat he owns all by himself: he has the most pick-6's of any quarterback in the NFL. But he insists he is throwing to the players wearing orange and black. I know, maybe he's color-blind. Just fix him Santa. Because I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to be in orange and black again next year.

11. Can the Bengals please have a new offensive coordinator next year? Huh? I'm not selfish. I'm asking for things for other people Santa. While you're at it, bring them a new front office, a new head coach and a new quarterback. I read this week that Carson probably would not take a pay-cut to bring his musty a$$ back here. So I say you offer him a dollar to come back - and he leaves for good. What do you say?

12. Santa would you pretty please superglue the Dallas Cowboy's (and their fans) lips shut about DeSean Jackson falling backwards into the endzone last week? First of all, y'all let him get there in the first place. Secondly, you may have beat him "three times in a row" last year (says Cowboy Mike Jenkins), but you didn't beat his a$$ that night did you? Thirdly, if it had been me, and Mr. Jackson fell backwards into the endzone in front of me, I would have stomped him in the gonads with my cleats. We can all get 15-yarders, I ain't scared, but that's just me. Punks.

13. Saint Nick - I'd like the next weather dude to say something wrong to be tased with a spork-shooting taser. Don't tell me the snow is coming at 7 if it's coming at 5 so that I'm on the treadmill at the gym looking outside going WTF I THOUGHT I HAD TWO HOURS TO GET HOME!!!!

14. Dearest Saint Nickity - How do you feel about leggings? They are kind of growing on me I must admit. When folks wear them right. However, I still don't want to see anyone's a$$. I still think that's nasty. I also have some other issues with leggings. Like wearing them to work, wearing the sheer kind like they're pants and/or wearing any kind like they're pants. And I think Jesus is busy. So would you please for me have your elves put together a "How To Wear Legggings" book and distribute it in everyone's stocking this year? Sign it "Jesus and  Santa are watching".  Maybe folks will listen to you. They're not listening to me.

15. For Christmas, dearest DJ Nicky Nick, I want an explanation. I want to know why it took the coaching staff of the Bengals eleven weeks to go back to running the ball like they did ALL EFFIN LAST SEASON? Was it the T.O. injury? And I need Cedric Benson to man up - crying after Sunday's win? Let us put this in perspective dude. You beat Cleveland. Man up.

16. I'd like you to fire Mike Shanahan. And fire his son. And taze Donovan McNabb a little bit. Because if the Shanahan's think that McNabb is to blame for all their woes in Washington, then they're crazier than I thought. The Redskins have sucked for while now - long before McNabb ever graced them with his presence. Note to McNabb - wait until the end of the season before you declare the Eagles made a mistake. Because it's sure the hell not looking like much of a mistake anymore is it? By the way Santa, did you have anything to do with the price of the McNabb jersey getting cut drastically on the Redskins' online store? They actually apologized and blamed it on a third party vendor. I'd say McNabb is on his way out the door?

17. Brother Red Pants - we are starting to hear rumblings that Bill Cowher wants Tom Coughlin's job. It's his number one choice in order for him to go back to coaching. Reason #117 as to why I can't stand him. Put it out there that you want someone's job who ISN'T failing . . . classless. Here's what I need from you. Put brother Coward in your little bag and drop his monkey a$$ off in Siberia. Because I'm tired of looking at him. AND listening to him. AND listening to info he's spreading through his camp. AND listening to what other people, including myself, are saying about him.

18. Something is wrong with the NFL when the Rams and Seahawks are tied for first place in their division with a 6-8 record. The best either of these teams could do is 8-8. They could win their division and go to the playoffs on an 8-8 record, while a team like the Baltimore Ravens is a wild card with possibly a 12-4 record. Even the 49ners could win at this point: their record is 5-9. Here's what I need you to do Red Fur Britches: I know they don't play in the same conference - that's not the issha. I need you to eliminate the NFC West division. They shouldn't be allowed in the playoffs at all. Because if some fluke happens and one of those bastards happens to go all the way and win the Superbowl ???????? I'm just saying there won't be enough electric voltage to bring me back. Now here's the messed up part - in that division, the Bengals would still be in last place. I know right?

19. "All I want for Christmas is Chad's two front teeth . . ." You know the song Santa. Bring them to me.

20. This isn't as much a wish but a heads up to YOU, Santa Bear Claws. I'm leaving you a salad this year instead of cookies. Your body fat index is way too high and you're at risk for diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, herpes simplex 12 and I'm gonna go ahead and guess breast cancer too you man boob having fat a$$. I realize that's probably no way to talk to Santa, but I figure you weren't going to give me anything I wanted anyway. So eff you.

Season's Beatings (i.e. Love),

Leslie

My Rant for the Day (11/29/10)

Letters to some folks in the NFL:

1.  Dear Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I don't give a eff what your record is. Beat a team with a winning record. Until then, no you're not the best team in the NFC no matter what your delusional coach wants us and you to believe. You still suck, and you'll be one and done in the playoffs if you make it. Ask us in Cincinnati, we know all about it.

2. Dear Michael Vick: If you need consolation on finally getting picked off, call Carson Palmer. He's a pro at it - maybe only Brett "I See London, I See France, Please let me show you my underpants" Farve does it better. I still forgive your transgressions however. Hell, God does, who am I not to right?

3. Dear Those of You Who Have a Problem With Those of Us Who With Regard to Michael Vick Have Picked Up The Shattered Pieces of Our Lives and Moved On: Get over it little Jesuses. There's only one God and contrary to what you believe, YOU are not it. Post something negative about him here and I'll delete it . . . because I can.

4. Dear Carolina Panthers: I'm fearing that when I move to Charlotte in a couple of years I'll be rooting for a team as pathetic as the Bengals. Say it ain't so. That's okay, as long as Ocho-negro doesn't end up down there, I'm good.

5. Dear Peter King: I heart you. You are my number one favoritest sports writer ever. (Yes I said favoritest . . . what?)

6. Dear Ohio State Buckeyes: Nothing you can ever do will EVER make me like you. EVER. But I digress. I do that alot. Back to the NFL.

7. Dear Tennessee Titans: Yes you are the dirtiest team in the NFL, as much as I would like to give that award to the "Stealers", Patriots or Broncos. You win hands down. The Texans will back me up on that one.

8. Dear Josh McDaniels: You are a dumb a$$. If you don't see the business end of a pink slip in January, we know the fix is in out there in Denver.

9. Dear Mike Brown (Y'all ain't see this coming right?): Eff you and your whole creation. Y'all suck and you're funny looking. Since we know there's no chance you'll fire yourself because you're just that effin' dumb, we should just start picking new teams to root for now. Even Jerry Jones isn't as dumb as you. Even Zygi Wilf finally got rid of Childress. Do Marvin Lewis a favor and fire him . . . so he can go to another team and win a Superbowl.

10. Dear Bob Bratkowski: You missed your calling. You should have been a meteorologist. Why? I'm glad you asked. The definition of a meteorologist is a person who can be wrong over and over again and still keep their job. That's you. You're a meteorologist. The Bengals have a freakin' meteorologist for an offensive coordinator. That explains everything doesn't it kids?

11. Dear Carcinogenic Palmer: Eff You.

12. Dear Batman and Robin: Ahem. Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle all the waaaaay; the Batmobile lost it's wheel and Robin laid an egg, oh . . .

13. Dear Cortland Finnegan: You should have been suspended too (along with being fined) if for no other reason than your hair. Did y'all see that when the helmet came off? WTF? Anyway, known for being a punk a$$ around the league Johnson should have been able to spork you or at least flat iron your hair at the line of scrimmage. It's only fair. Chump.

14. Dear James Harrison: I knew you were a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal. You're like a school building on Christmas: No Class. IQ lower than a box of rocks. You just don't get it do you? Your appeals not to pay for all those dirty hits: DENIED. And the latest, a helmet leading hit on Ryan Fitzpatrick. You are too dumb for words. Amazing.

15. Dear Vince Young: You are a chump. Throwing your pads at the fans? Who does that? How are you not suspended forever and ever? I'd like to throw a taser charged spork at you. And I wouldn't miss. You stupid a$$ spoiled brat.

Love,

Leslie

Thanksgiving 2010 Rant

For you . . . I am "thankful" . . .

  

1. I wanna "thank" my co-workers for sitting next to me during a meeting on Monday . . . and got on my effin' nerves. Really guys? Singing "Swiper stop swiping" to each other (Dora the Explorer - don't ask how I know that) across the table? And these are instructors. Thanks for putting me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

2. I'd like to "thank" my cats, Noelle and Mimo, for waking me up with both a mammogram on my boobs and a sonogram on my stomach this morning. Thanks girls. You're the best.

3. I'd like to "thank" CBS for running an awesome and inspiring story today on Chris Henry, his mother, and the lives his organs have saved. You made me cry. Hell, you made James Brown cry. Who does that? Chumps.

4. I'd like to "thank" Terrell Owens for running his mouth this week about New York Jets corner Darrelle Revis. Terrell, you may be having a great season personally, but what's the Bengals record again? And what's the Jet's record? Shut the hell up. I've had enough of you AND Ocho-stinko. Tonight may you get your head and neck separated from your shoulders and may Ocho get his a$$ sewn to his face. May both of you run right into a wall full of sporks.

5. I'd like to thank myself, for finally feeling like ranting again.

6. I'd like to thank my dad in advance for coughing up his man chair stocked with beer this afternoon. Come on dad . . . give us the luscious.

7. I'd like to "thank" Lil Em' (my car) for sinking to a new low . . . trying to eject her muffler last night. Ain't that just like a woman? Nice try. I'm not getting rid of you yet.

8. I'd like to "thank", in advance, our new trainer Bernard, who I am anticipating will be kicking my a$$ all over the gym tomorrow during my "hell no you're not fit assessment". There will be sporks in my sports bra. He don't know me vewy well, do he?

9. I'd like to thank my sister Melissa who has given me a special dose of entertainment over the last six or so weeks allowing me to say this to her: "I love you. AND I told you so." You know what I'm talking about. (Sorry folks, I can't share . . .)

10. I'd like to "thank" one of my most favorite people in the world, my Caucasian sister, Jody, who proved to me just how black she is, by rapping "None of Your Business" by Salt-n-Peppa last weekend. I wasn't allowed to get video folks, I'm sorry. Jody, you ARE one of us. I'd forgotten about that song before you rapped it. And no folks, she wasn't drunk.

11. I'd like to thank Richard Seymour for clocking Ben Rapist-berger last weekend. I'm sure it was worth the money. If I had it I'd pay it for you.

12. I'd like to thank Brad Childress for getting the eff out of the way and allowing Leslie Frazier to finally get the head coaching job he deserves. He is awesome. And not just because he stole my first name.

13. I'd like to "thank" those of you doing your part to get me in shape: Robert and Jerome my line dance instructors, Sarah, my water aerobics instructor, and Thomas, my racquetball instructor. Eff all y'all. I'm going down kicking and screaming.

14. I'd like to thank my earth mama Nina, who will be attempting to un-get me in shape with her cooking today. Thanks Ma! You're #1. You're #1!

15. I'd like to thank Baby Jesus for inventing football.

17. I'd like to thank all of you who have been checking up on me over the last few weeks (Melissa, Krystal, Kasey H., Jody, & Anthony W. - if I missed you I apologize). A very rough anniversary passed and y'all helped get me through it. Love y'all.

18. I'd like to thank all of you who have pissed me off enough to write about you. Without you, these rants would not be possible. A shiny new quarter for each of you.

19. Last but not least, I'd like to thank everyone who has supported my rants and encouraged me to keep writing. It's my life's work to entertain you. So keep the dumb sh!t coming.

Happy Thanksgiving Urrr'body.

Love (as always),

Leslie