Betty Take the Wheel . . .
A few days ago I posted about how my sister, Melissa, told me men shouldn't show their bicuspids when smiling with their shirts off in a photo. And how wore out I was from laughing about it. (Ok it's one of those things you really had to hear her say.) Well today I'm sitting in a meeting and I checked my Blackberry to make sure there wasn't an email message from the office that they had set it on fire and I should come get my purse (because they've come close to doing that before). I saw a new text. I thought to myself, don't look at that text message, you're in a meeting. And I typically wouldn't look at it. But for some reason today I did. It was a message from Melissa:
"Bicuspids."
I almost lost it in the meeting. So at lunch, as I was walking to the car with Kasey and Krystal I told them about it. And I asked them to excuse me because I had to make a call and it wasn't going to be pretty. I got Melissa's voicemail, which I promptly cussed out, ending with a promise for my foot to connect to her backside. But since she had the nerve to call me back immediately, I was able to curse her out "in person", with my peanut gallery in the front of the car talking about how I'm always threatening somebody.
Do I do that? Let me interrupt myself to say I'm not always threatening somebody. But for future reference, if I'm not threatening you, I'm guess I'm just not into you.
Anyway, the story gets cute. As I'm cussing Melissa out and pulling my special condensed can of whoop a$$ out of my purse to unleash long distance from Ohio to Texas, she's trying to explain why she did it. She says she'd driving down the street after dropping off the crumbsnachers and she thinks about the bicuspids and hears my mama laughing. She knows my mom is laughing and she's in the car with her. And if you ever heard my mama laugh, you would know without a doubt it was definitely her laughing. So she told my mom to take the wheel and steer the car while she sent me the text. That's not really texting while driving is it? Anyway - I call it divine intervention - because what I didn't tell Melissa, was that up until that point I was so irritated in this meeting with what I was hearing, but after her text all that irritation kind of washed away. That's what sisters and mommies are for right? Love you sis :)
Did you hear about the 21-year-old who posed as a 14-year-old and played youth football in Florida? Are you nuckin' futs (thanks Blue)? He had written his own scouting report and everything. And the rat bastard was on probation for burglary. Do you know what I would do to him if he got close to my kid? That's right, spork time. I'd pull out the titanium sporks for the occasion. Geez. First hanging chads, now this.
Congratulations to the Cincinnati Reds, who were six up on the St. Louis Cardinals when I wrote this. That's awesome! If they hold onto that lead, it means that this weekend when they go play the Cards at away, they can go ahead and lose all three games and still be three up, because that's probably what's going to happen. I'm just saying . . . the Reds can't beat the Cards and the Cards can't beat anybody else. Your words Katy. Not mine. You're so smart.
Did you hear about the 69 car pile up in Arizona this weekend? (Insert joke here _________________.)
Excuse me while I write a letter to one of my favorite people:
Dear Lewis:
Today I hear that Lorenzo Favre is already getting ankle injections. What's the eff is up with that? I'll never understand how you could like such a Nancy Boy. I'm starting to question your better judgement. I mean, who gets injections in their ankles? I bet he wears anklets too doesn't he? Rat faced bastard.
Your sister.
Tonight I'm doing laundry. I just put 18, countem' 18 dresses in the wash. My name is Leslie, and I have a dress addiction problem. There are still even more dresses in the closet that are clean. I know that's crazy but I have a reason. Dresses are so kind. They're so forgiving. They're so flowy and so girly.
They hide fat.
Sometimes.
Tomorrow is a very important person's first day on The Hill. It should be interesting. I suppose I'll have to be good tomorrow. That's going to be hard, and a lot of people are going to be disappointed I think.
But I'd like to welcome him. Welcome to the land where it's okay to wear leggings even though size 36 is not your bra size, but instead your dress size. Welcome to a place where it's okay to come to campus dressed like a two-bit hooker. We invite you to join us in a world where hair is bipolarized on the same head: black and blond, pink and black, straight and taco meat.
And that's just our employees.
Okay I'm kidding. Sort of . . . have you seen Kelly?
Gotta go.
Love,
Leslie
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