Thanksgiving 2010 Rant

For you . . . I am "thankful" . . .

  

1. I wanna "thank" my co-workers for sitting next to me during a meeting on Monday . . . and got on my effin' nerves. Really guys? Singing "Swiper stop swiping" to each other (Dora the Explorer - don't ask how I know that) across the table? And these are instructors. Thanks for putting me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

2. I'd like to "thank" my cats, Noelle and Mimo, for waking me up with both a mammogram on my boobs and a sonogram on my stomach this morning. Thanks girls. You're the best.

3. I'd like to "thank" CBS for running an awesome and inspiring story today on Chris Henry, his mother, and the lives his organs have saved. You made me cry. Hell, you made James Brown cry. Who does that? Chumps.

4. I'd like to "thank" Terrell Owens for running his mouth this week about New York Jets corner Darrelle Revis. Terrell, you may be having a great season personally, but what's the Bengals record again? And what's the Jet's record? Shut the hell up. I've had enough of you AND Ocho-stinko. Tonight may you get your head and neck separated from your shoulders and may Ocho get his a$$ sewn to his face. May both of you run right into a wall full of sporks.

5. I'd like to thank myself, for finally feeling like ranting again.

6. I'd like to thank my dad in advance for coughing up his man chair stocked with beer this afternoon. Come on dad . . . give us the luscious.

7. I'd like to "thank" Lil Em' (my car) for sinking to a new low . . . trying to eject her muffler last night. Ain't that just like a woman? Nice try. I'm not getting rid of you yet.

8. I'd like to "thank", in advance, our new trainer Bernard, who I am anticipating will be kicking my a$$ all over the gym tomorrow during my "hell no you're not fit assessment". There will be sporks in my sports bra. He don't know me vewy well, do he?

9. I'd like to thank my sister Melissa who has given me a special dose of entertainment over the last six or so weeks allowing me to say this to her: "I love you. AND I told you so." You know what I'm talking about. (Sorry folks, I can't share . . .)

10. I'd like to "thank" one of my most favorite people in the world, my Caucasian sister, Jody, who proved to me just how black she is, by rapping "None of Your Business" by Salt-n-Peppa last weekend. I wasn't allowed to get video folks, I'm sorry. Jody, you ARE one of us. I'd forgotten about that song before you rapped it. And no folks, she wasn't drunk.

11. I'd like to thank Richard Seymour for clocking Ben Rapist-berger last weekend. I'm sure it was worth the money. If I had it I'd pay it for you.

12. I'd like to thank Brad Childress for getting the eff out of the way and allowing Leslie Frazier to finally get the head coaching job he deserves. He is awesome. And not just because he stole my first name.

13. I'd like to "thank" those of you doing your part to get me in shape: Robert and Jerome my line dance instructors, Sarah, my water aerobics instructor, and Thomas, my racquetball instructor. Eff all y'all. I'm going down kicking and screaming.

14. I'd like to thank my earth mama Nina, who will be attempting to un-get me in shape with her cooking today. Thanks Ma! You're #1. You're #1!

15. I'd like to thank Baby Jesus for inventing football.

17. I'd like to thank all of you who have been checking up on me over the last few weeks (Melissa, Krystal, Kasey H., Jody, & Anthony W. - if I missed you I apologize). A very rough anniversary passed and y'all helped get me through it. Love y'all.

18. I'd like to thank all of you who have pissed me off enough to write about you. Without you, these rants would not be possible. A shiny new quarter for each of you.

19. Last but not least, I'd like to thank everyone who has supported my rants and encouraged me to keep writing. It's my life's work to entertain you. So keep the dumb sh!t coming.

Happy Thanksgiving Urrr'body.

Love (as always),

Leslie