Letters to some folks in the NFL:
1. Dear Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I don't give a eff what your record is. Beat a team with a winning record. Until then, no you're not the best team in the NFC no matter what your delusional coach wants us and you to believe. You still suck, and you'll be one and done in the playoffs if you make it. Ask us in Cincinnati, we know all about it.
2. Dear Michael Vick: If you need consolation on finally getting picked off, call Carson Palmer. He's a pro at it - maybe only Brett "I See London, I See France, Please let me show you my underpants" Farve does it better. I still forgive your transgressions however. Hell, God does, who am I not to right?
3. Dear Those of You Who Have a Problem With Those of Us Who With Regard to Michael Vick Have Picked Up The Shattered Pieces of Our Lives and Moved On: Get over it little Jesuses. There's only one God and contrary to what you believe, YOU are not it. Post something negative about him here and I'll delete it . . . because I can.
4. Dear Carolina Panthers: I'm fearing that when I move to Charlotte in a couple of years I'll be rooting for a team as pathetic as the Bengals. Say it ain't so. That's okay, as long as Ocho-negro doesn't end up down there, I'm good.
5. Dear Peter King: I heart you. You are my number one favoritest sports writer ever. (Yes I said favoritest . . . what?)
6. Dear Ohio State Buckeyes: Nothing you can ever do will EVER make me like you. EVER. But I digress. I do that alot. Back to the NFL.
7. Dear Tennessee Titans: Yes you are the dirtiest team in the NFL, as much as I would like to give that award to the "Stealers", Patriots or Broncos. You win hands down. The Texans will back me up on that one.
8. Dear Josh McDaniels: You are a dumb a$$. If you don't see the business end of a pink slip in January, we know the fix is in out there in Denver.
9. Dear Mike Brown (Y'all ain't see this coming right?): Eff you and your whole creation. Y'all suck and you're funny looking. Since we know there's no chance you'll fire yourself because you're just that effin' dumb, we should just start picking new teams to root for now. Even Jerry Jones isn't as dumb as you. Even Zygi Wilf finally got rid of Childress. Do Marvin Lewis a favor and fire him . . . so he can go to another team and win a Superbowl.
10. Dear Bob Bratkowski: You missed your calling. You should have been a meteorologist. Why? I'm glad you asked. The definition of a meteorologist is a person who can be wrong over and over again and still keep their job. That's you. You're a meteorologist. The Bengals have a freakin' meteorologist for an offensive coordinator. That explains everything doesn't it kids?
11. Dear Carcinogenic Palmer: Eff You.
12. Dear Batman and Robin: Ahem. Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle all the waaaaay; the Batmobile lost it's wheel and Robin laid an egg, oh . . .
13. Dear Cortland Finnegan: You should have been suspended too (along with being fined) if for no other reason than your hair. Did y'all see that when the helmet came off? WTF? Anyway, known for being a punk a$$ around the league Johnson should have been able to spork you or at least flat iron your hair at the line of scrimmage. It's only fair. Chump.
14. Dear James Harrison: I knew you were a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal. You're like a school building on Christmas: No Class. IQ lower than a box of rocks. You just don't get it do you? Your appeals not to pay for all those dirty hits: DENIED. And the latest, a helmet leading hit on Ryan Fitzpatrick. You are too dumb for words. Amazing.
15. Dear Vince Young: You are a chump. Throwing your pads at the fans? Who does that? How are you not suspended forever and ever? I'd like to throw a taser charged spork at you. And I wouldn't miss. You stupid a$$ spoiled brat.
Love,
Leslie
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